


Go Tell It On the Mons Veneris

by Taz



Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Kink, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-16
Updated: 2009-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-03 00:50:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taz/pseuds/Taz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was the introductory posting for a round robin on the old KSmithares mailing list. Subsequent chapters were written but I have no idea if and where they may have been archived.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Go Tell It On the Mons Veneris

**Author's Note:**

> This was the introductory posting for a round robin on the old KSmithares mailing list. Subsequent chapters were written but I have no idea if and where they may have been archived.

_There is a myth that says at the dawn of creation Zeus, seeing mankind’s potential to rival the gods, forbade them fire. When that didn’t quite work out, he had Hephaestus create every variety of illness and trouble which he put in a box and sent to Pandora with orders not to peep. She, being a weak and faithless woman, opened the box, of course, and out they flew to afflict mankind forever. The single thing that remained in the box was hope. But that’s not really what happened. This is:_

 

“I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you here today,” Aphrodite said to those she’d caused to assemble in the temple of Love. “Something vital to...”

“Get lost you little--!” Ares interrupted her, swiping at the dove who’d delivered her message. Although its mission was done, the snow-white creature kept on fluttering and chirping around his head.

“Ah, it ‘wuvs’ you,” Discord said.

Ares released a ball of blue fire at his oldest sister. She deflected the shot with a counter blast of black. The combined energies flew straight up, frying the bird, and snowy feathers flew everywhere.

“Look what you did!” Ares said.

Discord stuck her tongue out at him.

“Come on, Ares,” Hercules said. “Aphrodite wouldn’t have called us all here if it weren’t important. Let’s find out what it is before you fly off the handle.”

“Bite me, you little suck up,” his brother invited.

“Enough!” the Goddess of Love said. “One more interruption and no one gets any for a month.”

That sank home with most of those present, but Ares was irrepressible. “That won’t inconvenience Jerkules, but the rest of us...”

“Two months, Ares. This is serious.”

“Oh, what is it, your Golden Gorgeousness? Tell us what it is that troubles you so, that we may solve the problem and, hopefully, receive our reward from your own hands. Oh, please, please, please.”

The Goddess of Love regarded Salmoneus as one regards the person who cuts a fart at the sacrifice. “Shut. Up,” she said. “And get out of the way.” Sal had to jump as a plain wooden chest appeared in front of the pink shell throne, just where he’d been groveling. It was open and empty. “The Perversions have vanished. Someone,” Aphrodite said, “has stolen them.”

Mystified, they stared at the box until Iolaus and Autolycus moved forward to peer in cautiously and Nebula, who tended toward philosophy, posed the question. “What, exactly, are The Perversions?”

“My sex toys. Made by Hephaestus himself at the dawn of time.”

“You mean somebody plundered your pleasure chest?” Autolycus spoke with the air of an expert evaluating a rival’s skill. “Nicked your knickers?”

“What’s this?” Iolaus knelt and picked something out of the chest—a tube of cunningly fashioned flexible bronze with a nozzle at one end. Something, obviously, had been ripped from the other end.

“Oh, no,” Discord piped up. “Don’t tell me, someone swiped your Golden Douche Bag.”

“Discord, I’m warning you.”

“That’s terrible,” Gabrielle said. “I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t--”

“Shut up, Gabrielle.”

“But Xena, I was just going to say how refreshing a...”

“I know what you were going to say and that would be too much information. Besides, that looks more like...”

Gabrielle shut her mouth.

Callisto was smirking but Hercules, who agreed with Xena to the extent that there were some things the public wasn’t ready for, jumped in again. “Aphrodite, you can’t have gotten us all together, just because you lost a bunch of sex toys.”

“I can,” she said. “You lot are going to find them for me.”

“Not me, I have a village to sack,” Draco said.

“And I haven’t had lunch yet,” Joxer said.

“I don’t think she cares,” Jase informed him.

Indeed, the goddess was resting her forehead in her hand as though she had a migraine cum-er-coming on. She did look up, though, as Iphicles started to whine, “Why me? I have a council meeting this afternoon.”

“Why you? I’ll tell you why you! Because there isn’t a more complete set of panderers, pederasts, cock suckers, carpet munchers, compulsive masturbators, dominatrices, fetish freaks, tragedy queens, leather boys and louche buccaneers in the ancient world! That’s why. Any other questions?”

“Hey! I resent the implication,” Autolycus said. “I only go with nice girls.”

“Any of them over 12?”

“You can’t mean Hercules.” Gabrielle said. “He’s the hero.”

“Ask him who he’s sleeping with.”

“We don’t need to go there,” Hercules said, quickly.

Both Iphicles and Ares shot him a look and caught each other in the crossfire. All three faced front.

“But I’m a virgin!” Joxer was protesting. “How can you say that I’m a perv?”

Aphrodite was holding her head again. “That,” she said, “is the biggest perversion of all.”

“Tell it to the hand,” Iolaus snickered.

Blushing, Joxer looked around. Even Gabrielle was rolling her eyes and Jase was backing away from him as though were infectious. Discord, Autolycus, Ares and Callisto, though, were staring at him with the intensity of a cobra hearing the first sweet notes of a flute.

“But, why would it be so terrible if The Perversions were lost.” Gabrielle couldn’t help herself. “Imagine a world without pederasty, incest, prostitution, pornography, and unplanned pregnancies.”

Nebula looked confused. “I don’t think that follows,” she said.

Aphrodite sighed. “The Perversions,” she said, “represent the infinite paths to pleasure, the erotic imagination of mankind, and the potential for creative sex play in every mortal. Without those toys it’s the missionary position once a month if you’re lucky, until Tartarus freezes over.”

“That means no lap dancing,” Ares said.

“No water sports,” Iolaus said.

“No all night finger-cuffs,” Iphicles said.

“No ruby-fruit, Gabs,” Xena gently informed her idealistic partner.

“No art, no music and no poetry.” Hercules surprised them all.

“And no leather.” Everyone looked at Xena. “It stands to reason,” she said. “Without those toys, everyone’s leather is compromised.”

The true horror of the situation began to sink in.

“What are we going to do? What are we going to do?” The babble had a distinctly hysterical edge.

“You’re going to find them,” Aphrodite said.

“When do we start? Where do we look?”

Aphrodite gestured and little scrolls appeared in everyone’s hand. “These are the essential items.” They unrolled their scrolls. “It appears most of the toys have been hidden in the center of Corinth.”

“But the center of Corinth is my palace!” Iphicles said. Then, “Of course--and the dungeons, and tunnels and labyrinth beneath it.”

“I didn’t know there was a labyrinth under the palace,” Hercules said.

“Left over from the time of the Titans.” Ares smacked his forehead. “Corinth has always been a nexus for strange coincidences.”

“Very strange coincidences.” Callisto gave the God of War a suspicious look.

But, before anything could get started Aphrodite continued, “I don’t care how you do this—separately, in twos or in teams. You can share ideas and switch partners if you think it will help. I don’t care. And, so you won’t waste time looking for something that’s already found, as each item is located it will disappear from the tally.”

“Like a scavenger hunt!” Iolaus said.

“If you will, Butter Buns,” Aphrodite said. “You’ve got a week to find the toys—or the world as you know it will be changed forever.

“...silk scarves, string of pearls, vibrator,” Iphicles was reading his list, “Venus Butterfly…what’s that?”

“Ask Callisto,” Salmoneus suggested.

 

_Next…._

 

_What came next is lost in the mist of time, but this is the list that Aphrodite gave the search party:_

Ben Wah Balls

Butt Plug

Ball gag

Cock Ring

Dildo

Corset and Fishnet Stockings

Feathers

Leather Harness and Bridle

Leg Spreader

Manacles

Nipple Clamp

Paddle

Ropes and Chains

Silk Scarves

String of Pearls

Vibrator (powered by the energy of a billion butterfly wings)

The Venus Butterfly

Whips and Riding Crop

 

 

The Search Party consisted of:

Ares

Iphicles

Hercules

Iolaus

Nebula

Xena

Gabs

Callisto

Autolycus

Joxer

Jase

Salmoneus

Draco


End file.
